As my precious monkey are approaching their one year old birthday I feel a flood of emotions that I feel compelled to share.
If you had told me.. how hard Mommy life is I wouldn't believed you. I would have sighed and thought well you probably got pregnant easily so this is the hard part. Well now I understand. I understand more than I ever thought. There is a tiny human (in my case 2!) that depend on you for EVERYTHING! You jump at every sigh, whimper, gasp, laugh, and cry to be there by their side. And heaven for bid that tiny human is sick. It will drain every last bit of life of you Momma. But it's short lived.
If you had told me.. that the nights are long and the days are short. I would have laughed. How can being up all night make the days so much shorter. But boy oh boy do they! I seriously feel like the last year of my life has passed as so quickly as a bat of an eye. There were more times in a haze or fog than not. More days of me praying for it to slow down than I can even count.
If you had told me.. that you will fight to not lose yourself in this thing called motherhood. I would have doubted you. I mean how could want to be anything more than a Mommy?! There are moments when I miss my old childless self. The thoughts of shopping, eating out, mani's/pedi's or getting things accomplished will fill my mind. But it's brief and you are reminded of this wonderful tiny human that is so much more fulfilling than any of the empty routines you were used to. Don't get me wrong. You need to still fulfill those things every once in a while. You still need to be you but a different you.
If you had told me.. that I would come to appreciate my mother on a completely different level. I would have believed you but I would have never understood the magnitude. I wouldn't have made it through this past year without her. Something about being a Momma- you just know things about your kids. I could just call my Mom and say Hey.. she could hear it my voice. She would say.. I'll be there as soon as I can. Usually in a few hours (she lives about an hour away). She would drop everything. Work, life, plans.. EVERYTHING to be there. Whether it was watching my babies so me and my husband could sleep, cooking food, cleaning my house, laundry. I didn't ask my Mom. I never had to.. Momma's just know! At least mine does and I'm forever grateful, appreciate, and love her even more than I imagined.
If you had told me.. that finding feel quality to spend with your spouse would become almost impossible. I wouldn't have thought that spending time with your kiddos and husband wouldn't be the same. We struggled but are VERY fortunate to have so many family members willing to help with the boys. The time spent as a family isn't quality time with your spouse. It's all about your kids. That's not a bad thing but you need time just the two of you. Just to talk. Enjoy a quiet meal. Have a drink or just get out of the house. It's become imperative in our marriage to find even just an hour of quality time together makes us better parents.
If you had told me.. that I would barely see my friends the first year. I wouldn't have been able to fathom this. I prided myself on having some of the best friends you could ask for and seeing them somewhat often. Once these monkeys came into my life. I became all consumed. I leave them all week, how could I leave them again? Truth we all become busy bees. It's not a bad thing and I'm fortunate to have such amazing friends that we all still talk regularly. I treasure our time a lot more these days as it's a lot a fewer time than I ever imagined.
If you had told me.. that leaving my tiny humans with someone else for work would be this hard, I wouldn't have thought it possible. I mean it's just leaving them so you can work?! I've cried more days than not. I miss my babies more than I ever thought possible. I NEVER thought I would ever want to stay at home. I seriously debated selling our house so I wouldn't have to go back to work. It was WAY harder than I ever thought imaginable. I think of every worst case scenario. I curse myself for not making better career decisions earlier in life. I pray about this EVERY day. Some days are easier than others. Some I feel like every four letter word possible for leaving my boys with someone else to care for during the day. I feel like I've missed so much!
If you had told me.. that being a good Mommy and a good Full Time employee is impossible. I wouldn't have thought so seeing my amazing coworkers. But let me tell you.. I struggle. If the boys are doing well and sleeping well. I am on my A game. If one baby, both, or worse all three of us are sick.. God helps us. I'm doing good to function during the day. Much less stay on top of work, blog, stay organized, and etc. It all goes to survival mode and I'm doing the bare minimum at most.
If you had told me.. that this entire experience would leave me grateful yet still longing for a third baby. I would have probably slapped you. I've always wanted two kids. My husband is adamant we are done. I'm still struggling if I am okay with that. I want to provide the best Mommy to my children. I want to provide them with things I never dreamed of not to mention college. Maybe I just long for another cuddly squishy baby but my jury is still out on this one. I will say that I won't do any fertility regimes but if God was willing- I would be over the moon grateful!
If you had told me.. that I would become one of those Moms that cries at everything! I mean EVERYTHING! I would have rolled my eyes at you. Because those people were just annoying to even be around. I mean to cry? It used to make me super uncomfortable. Now.. I cry at everything too. I'm one of those!
If you had told me.. that your heart would fill so full. I would have never grasped it. It's unlike anything you can explain. This tiny human was inside you, from you, a part of you. It's completely unlike anything I've ever experienced. I can't even describe how much I love my two little monkeys. I'm still in awe that God entrusted me to be their Mommy.
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